Season Finale

I’m afraid my wife is going to leave me. For the past few days, Bree has anxiously awaited the final episode of the Bachelorette. She has become quite consumed in Jillian’s relationships with the various men who vie for her affection; all the while I sit quietly on the sidelines eavesdropping—pretending to pay no attention at all but actually following the show closely. Not the show only; I often watch Bree’s reaction to the different scenarios and conversations between Jillian and her would-be boyfriends. Sometimes she’s disgusted by the way some of the men treat Jillian (Wes, for example, is a “sleaze-ball”). My fear is, however, that Bree has become infatuated with some of the other more attractive and charismatic contestants.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard her say “He is so cute!” When the break dancer guy does or says anything—she says it even when they just flash his picture on the screen for a second or two. Apparently he’s really funny… in a way that I will never be. For example, Bree burst into laughter when she saw a clip of this break dancer suddenly interrupting the interview he was in and say, “Excuse me, but I gotta fart.” Then he farted! Bree thought it was hilarious. But when I (who lately happens to be more gaseous than usual) do exactly the same thing, it’s disgusting. My guess is it’s because she can’t smell through the television. So you can see why I should be a little worried, right?

But last night was the worst and most telling of all. Bree was so excited to watch the finale. And I, being the loving husband that I am, watched the entire episode with her. It was a tedious two hours to say the least. If you don’t follow the show, Jillian had narrowed it down to two handsome fellows: Ed and Kiptyn. From our previous post you know Bree’s sentiments were with Kiptyn, and understandably so. From his broad shoulders and chiseled abs to his fun-loving, easy-going attitude, he closely resembles another man who Bree adores: me! Only Kiptyn is about 25 times more perfect…and he’s tan.

So during all of this, my jealous tendencies were faintly brewing down at the bottom of my stomach; it was nothing alarming. I thought it was all kind of a joke. I knew Bree really loved me. But when Jillian told Kiptyn she chose Ed instead of him and Bree started crying…I began to question the strength of our marriage.

When I say crying I don’t want anyone to think she sobbed or wept over Jillian’s decision; Bree’s eyes only watered a little. But all the same, she became emotional because Kiptyn wasn’t “the one.” And now that Kiptyn is single—and resides in San Diego, CA—I should probably be a little more cautious until we go back to Utah together.

I don’t know, maybe I should learn from my first Bachelorette experience. I’ve never been the romantic type. Feeding my wife chocolate drizzled strawberries over a candle lit dinner while floating in a tropical Hawaiian lake seems nice, but it’s too much work for me. I’d probably tip the boat over on accident. When I do something nice it’s usually doing the dishes or folding the laundry, not buying two dozen long stem roses and writing her a song. Personally, I would’ve liked to see the contestants do normal things with Jillian, like go grocery shopping, paint a bedroom, cook a meal together, etc. I mean, what woman wouldn’t fall head over heels for a cute guy when all they do is travel to exotic islands and dine in the moonlight? Nevertheless, I need to make an honest effort to be more romantic if I want to hold on to what I’ve got.


Note: This post was more of a joke than anything else. Bree and I are very much in love, so please don’t refer us to any marriage counselors. Thanks.